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6/24/10 11:13 pm - 35 Things I Love


1th  Kissing my brother’s freckled face quickly before he turns away.

2th  The opening scene in Grease where John Travolta turns around with a smile and a cigarette in his mouth.

3th  The frown lines of a boy when he is concentrating on something, especially when he is concentrating on something you asked for help with.

4th  Having a boyfriend who puts one hand over yours while he’s driving, as if to say he misses you even though you’re right next to him.

5th  Giving my father a goodnight kiss and then resting my head against his chest for a few seconds to remind him I’ll always be his girl.

6th  Putting your arms around the boy you love as he takes you for a ride on his motorbike, and then have him put his hand on yours and squeeze.

7th  Lovely elderly people you meet at grocery stores who strike up a conversation for no apparent reason other than to compliment you.

8th  Watching my grandparents read the newspaper together, and help each other with the five crossword puzzles they are attempting at any given time.

9th  Renaming people, places and things with cryptic names so that it feels as if you and your friends have a secret language.

10th           Writing a six page essay in an hour, rereading it and feeling completely satisfied.

11th           Watching cats sleep with bellies upturned.

12th           The cheese platter at cocktail hour every weekend.

13th           Having a boyfriend who willingly reads the fine print in instruction manuals to help you with technology. Even when he’s just come home from a 12 hour shift.

14th           Seeing a group of beautiful, smiling girls walk by completely happy with the friends surrounding them.

15th           Looking through photo albums of your parents and grandparents and discovering you come from a family of beautiful people.

16th           Having boys you don’t know smile at you as you walk by.

17th           When someone nice and thoughtful comes up to speak to you at a party when you have been standing alone for too long, and is genuine and interested in everything you say and even offers to eat with you.

18th           When a boy you love falls asleep on your tummy, and this is the perfect time for you to run your fingers through his hair and trace the outline of his ears very carefully.

19th           Walking past the place your childhood friends used to live and wonder where they are now, what they look like and if you would recognize them.

20th           Attack hugs from friends who miss you or are seeking safety from someone else.

21th           Taking a train to the other end of the island and getting excited because it feels completely different, like an adventure.

22th           Giving in to temptation as you walk past a bakery.

23th           White dresses

24th           Cab drivers who are terribly nice.

25th           The way you lose feeling in your legs and your tummy feels funny when you are excited on your way to meet someone you like very much.

26th           Having lunch with your bestest pals and laughing so hard until everyone in the restaurant is looking at you.

27th           Fresh-faced girls who are beautiful without makeup.

28th           Smiling at the sun with your eyes closed.

29th           People watching on trains.

30th           Strolling through a grocery store with the finest selection of everything, and silently making a list of everything you would buy and eat and drink if you had the money.

31th           When someone decides he wants to share his ice cream with you, it is a show of great likeness.

32th           Swinging your long ponytail left and right so that is tickles your ears.

33th           Eating raspberries

34th           Period dramas that take you back to a time when boys were always so charming and girls always wore dresses and were beautiful always.

35th           Travelling on your own and that feeling of freedom and peace of mind.

 

 


6/8/10 10:12 pm - To myself

Where have you been? You are drifting farther and farther away from what I know, what I'm comfortable with. You don't use words the same way, you hesitate to tell me things, you've stopped telling the people you love most everything that's on your mind. This isn't like you. Are you finally growing up? I'd hate to think so. You don't think you're beautiful anymore. That pains me. I don't think you know what you truly want anymore, the goals you've always had in front of you have all been fulfilled and so you are now thrust into an abyss of possibility and opportunity, and you can't grasp this. This is why you have no sense of orientation, reality eludes you and everything is a blur. A blur of faces, meetings, hands reaching out to love and kisses in the dark.

You love the same people, but in a different way.
What is happening, tell me.
I am just as scared as you.

4/19/10 09:14 pm - we're in the middle of the beginning


I'm sorry I've been away so long. Life has been too exciting...for the most part.

Life is really good right now. I don't mean perfect. In fact, its pretty far from perfect. Love is hard, it hurts a lot, and the thing about loving someone is that you tend to have all these expectations that destroy everything. But I'm going to focus on the good stuff. Because that's what happy people do. It is, right? And I want to be a happy person from now on. It would be liberating, I think. So, here goes.

1. Everyday I wake up in a house filled with 3 people who love me unconditionally.
2. Everyday after dinner I can still snuggle up against my father and watch Raymond, joking about how much of Raymond/ Robbie/ Frank I see in him.
3. My mother still runs and jumps into my arms to give me a panda hug on random days when she is happy I'm home.
4. My brother wrestles me to the ground everytime I try to give him a hug, but its all good because this is how he shows he loves me.
5. I have so many wonderful friends a phonecall/ a bus ride away.
6. My fridge is never empty.
7. I live in a household where chocolate is a necessity.
8. I have a job I love and that loves me back.
9. My A levels are OVER. This is still a thrilling fact.
10. I have my whole life ahead of me.
11. I have a chance at a scholarship, something I thought was never even remotely possible.
12. My colleagues are terribly awesome.
13. I know a boy who loves me, even though he can't show it all the time.
14. I see my future self as a big, bright, cheery, happy person again. She is beautiful and fantastic at what she's doing and I can't wait to meet her.


It's not much but it's my world, and its wonderful. I think for now I'm going to be more active here, I seem to have lost my rapport with words and am now resorting to other forms of creative expression. But I'll be around :)

Oh, and you should make your own list too. Because the Universe appreciates gratitude, and works with it.

3/7/10 09:09 pm

now that i'm standing (awkwardly, i might add) at the beginning of something new, all i can think about is the journey that brought me here. and more specifically, the people that have been with me for the last two years; new and old friends that occupy a very very special place in my heart. to my classmates; kevin, jared, assyaraf, paul, alecia, atheena, bernice, tricia, dian, fuzz and my dance girls; ash, yixin, yifang, filzah, janelle, limin and of course, the very special people whom without i could not have come out of the doldrum that was A levels; koon, ami, jas and eunice. I love all of you and am so thankful for your presence in my life :)

2/28/10 10:36 pm - when love isn't simple






Why is it that even when all the signs are showing and my better judgement is telling me that this is quite possibly the final phase of our relationship, I make countless reasons to justify us staying together. I don't want to face the possibility that everything I know is wrong, or that despite how we feel about each other, sometimes love isn't enough. Despite all the moments of insecurity, doubt and frustration, I can't comprehend life without you. It sounds so cliche and disgusting but when I'm with you, right next to you, it feels like nothing could be better. That nook between your left ear and your neck, sometimes it feels like that space was made for me. So I don't understand what I have to do now, because I'm feeling too much and I'm crying too often to be able to make sense of anything. Even with so little to go on, I can't bring myself to listen to what I don't want to hear, because anything that takes me farther from you would kill me.  

1/30/10 12:56 pm - Love is so short, forgetting is so long


Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example, 'The night is starry
and the stars are blue and shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms.
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is starry and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight tries to find her as though to bring her closer.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.

Another's. She will be another's. As she was before my kisses.
Her voice, her bright body. Her infinite eyes.

I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.

Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

Though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses that I write for her.


Pablo Neruda



Wow.

1/21/10 12:07 am - Question,

Do you know why you love the person you love? Like for real. The real reasons why you care so deeply for another person?

This question has always bothered me. The obvious things, like loving a smile or a laugh, are only so because you love that person for another, larger reason. Well, presumably anyhow. (500) Days of Summer gave a pictorial overload of why some boys love some girls. I don’t doubt that some, if not all of those reasons are legit, but I think for you to love someone beyond 500 days (that’s approx. 1.4 years, thank you TI-84), there has to be more than an innate attraction to the physical being of that someone. You have to look beyond the crinkle on the nose, the characteristic teeth, the odd birthmark and the smell of their hair and feel something else for the person they are. I honestly cannot come up with a definite answer when I ask myself why I love my boyfriend. I only know that my heart died before the reveal of the person he was inside. His principles (haha, yes he does have them), and the way he sees things so differently from me, or any other person I know. I love him for the things he has gone through and come out of. I love him for the things he knows that I could never otherwise know. I love his patience and the way I can never keep track of his mind. I love him for the boy he is, for his heart and his mind, even if he sometimes hides them from people.

I may not like his attitude sometimes, or all his manners, or the fact that he’s quite dim-witted about my feelings half the time, but when you see someone for who they truly are and know that everything in that body is meant to be loved, you can’t help who you fall for. When someone shows you who they are and everything they stand for, it’s impossible to not learn to love that.

What do you think?

Maybe we're not supposed to have a definite answer. Love is ambiguous and mysterious and itself. Maybe we should just appreciate that we get to fall this far and feel this deep for someone. I still think to make a connection with someone, whether it be romantic love or otherwise, is the most beautiful thing in the world. So I'm going to revel in my love, because it's here and because it's for me.

 

1/20/10 11:08 pm


I need February to come tomorrow so that

x I can have the house to myself (parents leaving for 2nd honeymoon, YAR)
x Work can start and my boredom will be cured
x No more Dexter 'breakfast to dinner' marathons
x I can have my boyfriend back (good god, graduate already :(
x I can get my first paycheck AHHHHHH
x I can not spend my nights wandering aimlessly through fashion blogs oohing and aahing at things I won't have till im 25, places I won't see till i get many more paychecks
x I will have a reason to get out of my pyjamas before 2pm

My brain feels seriously emptehh.

 


 


1/14/10 08:51 pm - two peas in a pod









Best friends really shouldn't have this much fun!

1/13/10 09:00 pm - lazy wednesday


Woke up at 10. Showered at 1. Watched BBCs 2006 Jane Eyre with Ruth Wilson (new favourite) and Toby Stephens (yum) which IS SO GOOD. It's so much better than Pride&Prejudice. Omgosh can't believe I said that! But really, it's so awesome. Tried to rally much missed classmates for a night out but boo plans postponed for a week :( Soo, it's back to studying for lit, AGAIN.

I realised yesterday that I'd kind of forgotten what it felt like to be with someone and forget the world. To be so stupidly happy that you cannot stop smiling to yourself, at him, at the both of you. It's wonderful how someone's presence can be so intoxicating.

ciao!
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