mambomamba

hello world :)

if you only knew how many times ive had sudden bursts of writing spazizims without a laptop around, and how many marvellous write-ups ive conjured in my head that alas will never be published. these last few months have been so unbelievably intense. there are lots of emotions and experiences that no amount of words can replicate or try to explain. i know im supposed to be glad its all almost over, but i cant say that i really am. there are no regrets, only hesitance to accept what has passed, what momentary mistakes are made in the small spaces of doubt that fear and anxiety create, eager to upset all efforts leading up to that moment. i absolutely resent these moments but am left with only the insufferable alternative to hope and pray that all goes well. im beginning a new journey, but i feel neither excited nor hopeful.

There is so much raw passion ,and an eerie haunting quality, in the voice of Edith Piaf. It comes across as simplicity and genius at the same time.

hello world :)

I'm supposed to be hitting my books but tonight, for at least an hour or so, i feel so compelled to write a thank you note. today was the second last official day of school and i didn't expect myself to feel as warm and fuzzy as i did. it was an odd mixture of disbelief that the end is finally here, and gratitude for having been so blessed to know the people ive met in pj. as is known, i certainly did have my doubts when i started this A level journey. but now that im here, i feel like looking back, i can see all the experiences (the good and the bad) as having (and i know this is often said) really shaped the person i am today. to be really honest, most of my memories of pj are filled with relentless slogging, emotional upheavals and struggles to cope with the workload. and yet, there is some beauty in this that ive only just begun to see. the way i see it, there was a divine purpose for my being here, and for the truly arduous journey this has been.

looking back, i've made the most wonderful friends here. friends of all shapes, sizes, personalities and characters. i absolutely love the jumble of kooks we have here in pj. im surrounded by genuine friends whom i constantly learn from. they teach me so much about taking on different perspectives, about challenging notions of what i think should be. there are many important things ive learnt here but from my friends, and especially my classmates, ive learnt that its allright to be the way you are. it sounds simple enough but ive really discovered that it is possible to love everyone, despite their obvious character flaws or the major annoying factor, ha ha! sooner or later, people reveal themselves to you and allow you to see, to understand who they are, where they come from and what they stand for. i know im going to miss these people. im definitely going to miss talking to atheena, ass, eunice, jared, kevin during break. im going to miss tricia's mood swings and her inherent monkey-ness. im going to miss jia yi and his silent brilliance, danny and his laughter, fuzz and dian with their ready smile, bernice who is always armed with tissue, plasters, pink things and who smells so nice all the time! im going to miss quiet conversations with ariz, paul sitting next to me in lit and the quizzical looks we throw each other when we have absolutely no idea whats going on in class. im going to miss janelle and her infectious optimism and genuine happiness, sophia and her antics plus hilarious facial expressions. im going to miss kevin and his incessant bullshit, atheena's biting remarks that never fail to crack me up, and ass's off-tangent jokes, har har! im going to miss seeing koon everyday, being able to talk to her whenever i want to and just having her there as this wonderful support system and one of my truest friends, who constantly reminds me that i must always continue to better myself, to change the things i should (a constant voice of reason?)

and then, there are the teachers. A04 has truly been so fortunate to have been taught by, very literally, the awesomest teachers ever. ms lim is one amazing math teacher. she knows her stuff so well and is so so willing to help each and every one of us regardless of who we are. she is so passionate about math and also her students, and im constantly amazed at how she never gives up on anyone or anything, just continually giving her best to everyone. and then there is mr koh! hahaha! i have no words to explain what a joker this man is. he is one surprise and controversial remark after another. he never fails to entertain us with his antics and old-man ramblings. despite the little ive learnt in his tutorials (ha ha), ive actually quite enjoyed them :) and mr khoo! the cutest, most inspirational econs tutor ever ever ever. he is so focused on bringing out our best and ensuring that we understand and know what the heck is going on. he never pushes us because he knows we're old enough to know what he want and how we want to go about doing that. and yet, we all somehow unanimously respect him and work hard for econs just so we can justify all his efforts. and plus he's so adorable! and finally, there is mrs leong. i cannot say enough how thankful i am that she came to teach us this year, at a period where we had no idea what GP was, having had an exceptionally redundant first year experience. she puzzled us all with her strange granny-isms. ill never forget how she made us stand and clap our hands and flap our 'wings' so we would feel reenergized and happier (and we really did!) i remember thinking on our second lesson with her, this is the strangest woman ive ever met! and yet i know im going to love her! nobody not looks forward to her lessons. they are always fun. she has a million stories to tell, a million more virtues to sell and a whole lot of love for us. she never gave up on any of us even when she fell really sick and almost had to leave college. she is a constant source of optimism and happiness, i dont want GP lessons to stop! mrs leong has this really special place in my heart because she is one of those few completely selfless people that find, in koon's words, "joy in giving". she is a true giver in every sense of the word. to have her friendship is to secure a most happy and lasting relationship that will teach you so much about life and love. 

so you see, ive been extraordinarily lucky. and it is because of these people that im going to give these next three weeks my all. im doing this because i want to feel that sense of accomplishment, to validate everything that ive learnt here. im doing this because i have no excuse not to. im doing this because i want the people in my life to feel like they have made a difference. regardless of the outcome, of the alphabets on my result slip, i want to come out of this experience knowing that ive given it my absolute all. the time is now, and i thank God for continually blessing my life and springing the most unexpected surprises and providing me with lessons that help me grow as an individual. tomorrow i might cry as we say adieu to our jc experience, but they will be tears of gratitude. i can only hope that in this next month or so, i continue to exude this sense of certainty and confidence that i can do this, that i can complete this journey on a big, triumphant, and resounding note of success.

to any of you about to embark on the final leap of your A levels, i wish you the very best. may your efforts and prayers lead you to wherever you want to go :)


all the love in the world resides in my small but hugely content heart tonight.  

Joni Mitchell

ive been restless. ive been very very restless. and with school now out for the week, there is no distraction and i am experiencing way too much emotion, more than i can deal with all at once anyway. its so sad, there are moments of okay-i-can-do-this and then there are moments, the strangely quiet moments to myself on a train crowded with loud, throaty migrant workers, where there is a sudden push of sadness, of complete hopelessness from below the heart. its a blow like no other and it takes everything to stem the stupid, unwanted flow of sadness. i cant put my finger exactly on why this is. i want to blame it all on one thing but i know its not true. its a combination of many little things.

firstly, there is the doubt over the next 60 days. what am i doing? what am i doing about it? nothing, to be honest. ive become just another body plodding through the system, a body that goes through the motions unquestioningly. a body that now feels completely unmotivated, her aspirations stuck somewhere in the place where the system keeps the stolen dreams of the unworthy.

and then there is the fear of a different kind, the fear of being alone. i have never felt this alone before. i keep thinking if i reach out to you, you'll help me back to the self i used to be. the grounded, focused, strong person i used to embody. but you have made your aversion to any association with me very known. and i might just hate you forever for leaving me like this. yes, i am going to blame the unsuspecting you for not giving a fuck. how could you not understand when i thought we'd built a trust, a love based on always-be-there's. i dont want you to become another one of life's disappointments. not you. you were my truest friend so how can you stop loving me? maybe that's it. the thought that you might not love me anymore. above everyone else, your love has meant the most. so what then when its gone?

there are so many other fears to list but that would only heighten the rambling-idiot feel that is this space. i wish i could write here when im at my best, just to show you that i am really more than the above. i think you might like me better in person if you knew me really. if you really knew me, you'd know that despite my strength of values or whatever and my inclination towards studying everything too seriously, im really a gentle soul. i really do accept people and things the way they are, with no thought of changing what is content to remain as is. my deepest desire is to be of use to the people around me, to reach out to everyone and everything. i live for connections. i want everything that i meet with in life to impact me directly. i want to hold a conversation with the most random person just to see what life could be like on the other end. i want to meet a stranger's eyes and share a smile just so we could claim, for one moment, that humanity is alive and well.

oh, and also, i saw the most beautiful thing in the world the other day, and i didnt do anything to claim it. it was for me, i know it was. chance meetings like that dont happen for no reason. a connection like that could only be arranged by the workings of the universe. i wish i had smiled or said something or looked just a little longer so that i would know it was really real, that you felt it too. maybe i shall feel it again someday, even if with another person.

or perhaps ive just become delusional and 13 again.

30/7/09 for the..umm, Creative Self

To spare a few lines

For someone,

I think that the greatest compliment in the world.

That someone

Out there

Has thought about you enough-

For as long

As it takes at least -

And decided to share you

With the rest of the world.

It is no small thing.
 

It is a small thing of huge consequence

That you are seen with different eyes,

with a different voice and a different heart.

It is a small thing of small consequence

That tonight I write to say

How much I would like to be thought of

Today.

>and i've been wanting to write for so long. god it feels good. i wanted to write about friendship, but ive lost the words. i was running them through my head on the way home from school today. its funny what sunshine on your face can do. do you get that? when you're somewhere, someplace, just you and your head. do words that make a lot of sense (to you) start tumbling from your ears? and then you feel light because you think you've just chanced upon something that could enlighten the world? i like this feeling. if only it weren't so fleeting. then i could hold on to it for as long as i want - till another one comes along. 

i don't care if this is the thousandth time you've heard this, but my heart breaks when i remember every look you ever gave me. 
i don't know if you know that the words in my head are all mixed up and tangled in random memories, moulding themselves against your cheeks and your perfect smile and these images they sketch themselves, i have nothing to do with them.
they are unwanted, unwelcome. i don't cry. i don't cry at all. it's kind of wierd i guess but i just can't. because it's you and you've never made me cry. well not in that kind of way at least. if you don't look back anymore that's okay, it really is. it's just not okay for me. it's so easy when we talk about leaving and endings. it's so easy when you say the words. it really is remarkable how easy walking away is. it's the after-party that gets things really going. when your world becomes that much smaller and you're kind of confused but everything is still pretty much okay. then the music gets louder and fatigue sets in and you start getting hit in all directions and you just want to go. but you stay because this is where you're supposed to be. this is where heartbreak resides and if you can't stand her, you're not much of a person are you?

well anyway, if this ever reaches you, im not sorry i feel this way.



*a few bad analogies. but otherwise, not too shabby.

hello tiny sphere of people who read this,

i haven't had the compulsion to write in so long but tonight, i am running away from king lear so i might as well indulge in semi-productivity. there are so many things i want to write about. the other night i wanted to write about a friend who is going throuigh a really difficult time. i was really affected by the things that were happening to this friend and the things that this friend was doing. i had a hard time coming to terms with why said friend did or still does these things but i had to learn that different people really do have their own way of dealing with things. seeing as how i have always worn my heart on my sleeve and how i always blurt out my problems/emotions to close friends, ive never been able to understand people who just keep everything inside. i still find it odd but im learning. ive really had to learn that not everyone reacts to things the same way i do, or that not everyone has the same thoughts and feelings as me. thats been a struggle.

ive also wanted to talk about love. or something like it. or something like missing someone every day. but i dont think tonight i have the substance for such topics.

this morning after a phonecall from west hartford, i felt this sudden pang of jealousy and sadness that my incredibly wonderful, intelligent proft girls have all graduated and have been accepted into outrageous colleges and are gg to party so hard now that high school is over. i want that so so so badly right now. im just so done with school. i dont want to do this anymore. i really dont. i think, and i speak for myself, that ive worked so hard for jc. like i busted my ass these last one and a half years for this and its still not enough. i know everyones gg like yeah well me too sucker thats life but ever since day one i knew this was the only way to get where i want to go. like i knew since day one i had to get this right. now that im here and its almost 4 months till the As, i just cant get my head around why it has to be this exhausting, or why do am i still not satisfied?

i dont want to deal with these feelings so im gg to post a thoughful, optomistic prophecy to be sent throughout the cyber world which will hopefully diffuse itself into the real world and with a little help from the law of attraction, i will prevail!


standing a week away from the mid-years, i know what i would like to do. i would like to write a kick ass pride and prejudice essay to do justice to the beauty and wit that is jane austen, i would like to be as true to my beliefs as Plath, i would like to be able to write passionately about king lear and why it is truly a masterpiece of a tragedy, i would like to seek meaning in life as does Boey, i would like to glorify othello and convince the world that we are all flawed and the need for acceptance is universal and should not be judged harshly upon. because i want to own these papers for next week and for the As and say that i did this - i attempted this last stretch and gave it everything i have and made it MEAN something to not only mark a significant age and chapter in my life but to also impact me and help me grow as a person, to understand that nothing comes easy, and to learn what it means to be a young adult who will soon be on her own.

by the grace of god, i will see my dreams.

omgggg i feel like crying because i cant seem to get past 1345 words for my independent research paper. this is EXCRUCIATING!
i really feel like crying. oh no, i can feel the culmination of everything beginning to take effect. what the motherrrr!! i feel like going aghsdfgfhhhkjh$%^&@#$ on my bed but that wont do any good. ugh im so sad, im so sad, you so dont care.

i vaguely remember having my heart broken thrice before, but that was childish, juvenile stuff. the boys were so stupid and moronic yet i spent countless hours expressionless with my eyes sore for them. and all i got from them was hey, yo, sorry about that, hope we can still be friends! no we cant, you jerk.

this time its not really a non-stop crying thing but more like an oh shit what the hell is happening kind of thing. its like a delayed reaction. its like you're fine for the first few days and then the next thing you know, you're lying in bed with a massive massive migraine presumably from the overload of emotion and what not, incapable of any activity other than texting your best friend to tell her you are slowly dying.
its like youre totally fine in a restaurant and then the band starts playing some sappy shit you just stop smiling, stop eating, and start staring at your plate and ask why the hell did i order chicken? i hate chicken.
its like no tears but you dont know why, cos it sure feels like hell.
its like telling yourself you can get through this and actually believing it, and then having your mood completely thrown out the window when everyone is gone and  that feeling of empowerment along with them too.
its like wanting to talk to you so bad but stopping mid-sentence because i just dont want to have to explain how pathetic i am.

is this like some sort of new-age break up process?
i dont know but anyway, the first three aint got nothing on you.

"Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road."
 - Karen Blixen


we are all trying, aren't we? to find answers to what else? what else? we hope there is more to the world than what we already know. whose to say there isn't.

oh no, i've forgotten my thought.

well anyway, what i, more or less, wanted to say was that i am learning, everyday, that we all have very different stories written for us and i can't help but feel a bit sad that our stories are becoming more similar. our lives have essentially become photocopies of each other. they shouldn't be. we should all have different stories to tell. and please dont be a blinkering idiot, i am not referring to origins and circumstance, i am talking about the choices we decide on that alter our course. i think we are also beginning to hate our own stories, blaming consequence, God, luck, people, what have you. i dont think this is right, but you're entitled to your opinion.

you know, apart from the obvious incoherence of my disjointed thoughts and analysis, the other amusing thing is that whilst im so busy (feebly attempting) analysing life in its entirety, i have overlooked understanding my own story, subconciously or otherwise.

well, how do you like that?

i am so grateful to god for handing me these two bozos to be my friends for life. everyone expects 18 to start off with a bang, no? mine was muted, mellow and filled with enough love to orbit the sun thrice. jasmine toh le min, please be a glut forever. amirah ahmad, please keep your title of worst story-teller ever forever. we are so awkward and uncool and noob and ah so but we have the time of our lives and thats all that matters :) i would say more but im supposed to be studying :( on my birthdayyyyyyyy SCREW YOU CT's!!!!!!!

but what the hell, im going out again tonight anyway. take that you stinking son of a gun!

there are many things i want to get off my chest but i have neither the words nor the time to explicitly type it all out. friday was terrifying, i could feel my heart beating really fast and i wasn't even thinking of my own menial mother tongue grades. it was so surreal sitting there watching those people, knowing their lives were going to change, knowing that whatever was on that slip of paper was going to determine the direction of the next chapter in their lives. i sincerely hope everyone in that hall received something above or within their expectations because it is truly the worst to be dealt something that is so beyond what you had expected. i know exactly how that feels. friday brought back the same emotions as o level result day, only i was a little wiser. im so afraid for myself. it seems cambridge isn't really my friend. everytime i get a slip of paper from them, it always turns out to be something i don't want, something i really did not expect. first the o's and now malay. truly, i am jittery. am i not as capable as i think i am? is that why things have gone so wrong before? or is God preparing me now for a bigger and better future? is this all leading up to something great? or am i bound to be average forever?

i have never thought of myself as average. and now its like so many things are telling me i am, i dont know how to comprehend this. a lack of self-awareness? i hope not. i do not know who to ask because i dont think anyone knows. as much faith as i have in God, i cannot keep myself from these thoughts. i guess it is because some part of me still feels like i am not where im supposed to be, like i know i could be elsewhere doing greater things, becoming a better person.  what do i mean, better person? i think i mean a prissy snob in a prestigious institution. there, i have admitted it. or maybe just performing better than what i am now.

but its okay, i hardly think of that nowadays. now all that fills my mind are thoughts of my future. my future is so big and bright and scary i have trouble seeing it sometimes. i wonder if it is my future self that i see, urging me to continue giving it my all. i believe this because i want so much to meet my future self, to be exactly where she is standing, looking back at me now and thanking me for believing.

i feel older now, and not in a good way. i feel like i have forsaken a good part of my adolescence for something, i dont know what yet. its a terrible thing to say but i know i need some form of recognition for everything i am doing now to continue this persistent drive for excellence. i know i should be doing it for me, but really all i want is to feel like i have something to look forward to, for someone to tell me i am great in my own way.

i want to feel strong, capable, intelligent, beautiful, useful, but right now i feel i am lacking, and a little hurt.

please do not think this self-destructive behaviour, i am only speaking to this space. it is supposed to have its use.

As out of control as things are now, and as much as i want to start a fight with you for not making my life just a little easier, i cannot deny that i just really want you to be here.

i cannot believe march is already here, where did the beginning of 09 go? it would seem school refuses to slow down for me, so i will accept this annoying fact and try to move with it. although i am not sure how much longer my mind can keep exhaustion at bay. 17 more days to the highlight of the year but really all i can think about is sleeping. and waking up to 10 different kinds of panini. and fruit juices galore! oh god, please yes.



state radio kicks ass.

for all the women who have ever uttered the words "boys are stupid",
you weren't far from the truth.